Running

I asked a friend to describe me, to be as brutal and honest as she possibly could.

She said a few things, but the one that struck me the most is that I am a runner. I run away.

I wanted to tell her, she's wrong, that I fight if I need to want to, but the truth is, she's right. I run. Away. From a situation that I dislike, from my past, and in doing so, inadvertently I shape a future from which I want to run.

And it goes on and on; a sick-cycle carousel.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

I received a package today. It was a reminder of the past, of a girl that I really, really wronged.  I have been running from it, without meaning to. We were good friends, and I cut her from my life.

Without going to much into it, I was expecting old letters, and reminders of a failure - not that our relationship was a failure, but that I was. Tears. Recrimination.

But there was nothing like that. It was a new letter as well as a present for my birthday, and in between them, forgiveness and love.

I don't know what to say - and speechlessness doesn't afflict me often, but.. I am just so overwhelmed right now.

And even more than that, I feel God telling me, "You don't have to run. You don't have to beat yourself up. There are people I have put in your life that loves you, that care, that will make you better if you allow them. Open up to them."

I ran away, and yet, here is grace. Grace to make it right. Grace, undeserved, unasked, and yet, so overwhelming.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Nowhere. Or rather, nowhere that matters.

But the carousel doesn't have to go around again. You can stop running. You can be better.

I can be better.